


The Bridge Where You Once Stood

by AlltheswegXD20



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst and Feels, Denial, Depression, Heavy Angst, LISTEN TO IT, M/M, Mentioned EXO, Rejection, XiuChen - Freeform, barely fluff if any, its depressing, johnny cash "hurt" song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-27
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-11 14:59:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10467699
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlltheswegXD20/pseuds/AlltheswegXD20
Summary: -well. just some Xiuchen to make your hearts ache with feels. not in the good way.-Jongdae had left the neighborhood a while back, finding a life for himself. They were all friends, hanging out in one of the tree houses the neighborhood kids built. They grew up together basically, watching each other grow into well refined, okay mildly refined young adults, and later into grown ass men. Their group of friends later expanded, gaining more love and friendship along the way. There were 12 of them; and that’s all they needed. But unfortunately all good things must come to an end.





	

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this for my cousin.....she wanted a story and i delivered. lol sorry in advance.

**-I hurt myself today-**

 

Jongdae walked into the local coffee shop, ordering a muffin. He had just arrived at his cousin’s house yesterday and had decided to go out for a walk.

“Hey JONGDAE! Is that you? Long time no see man!” Sehun said from across the room. Jongdae turned to him and his face lit up as he walked towards the taller male.

“Oh my god SEHUN? Been a minute since I've seen you around here!” he replied.

“I know man! Dude we need to catch up! What have you been up to these days?” Sehun said as he threw his arms around Jongdae.

“Actually I found work in a different state. I got my own place and I’ve been living there for a few years now.”

“Woahhhhh really? That’s great man!” Sehun said releasing the older male from his clutches.

“So what are you doing here man! Jesus it’s been ages.”

“Actually, I just came to visit my cousin. I haven’t seen her in a while and decided it was time to come back since she’s the only family i got left, you know?”

Sehun’s smile lowered a bit, remembering the hard times in their childhood together. Jongdae had gone through so much. “Yea man, I get it. Anyway it’s nice seeing you! You’re still a looker, eh?”

Jongdae laughed.

“Hey how about a drink? It’s only like 8pm and I just got back from buying clothes and stuff for my cousin.” he offered.

Sehun nodded almost frantically, happy that he could rekindle his friendship with his distant hyung.

 

Jongdae had left the neighborhood a while back, finding a life for himself. They were all friends, hanging out in one of the tree houses the neighborhood kids built. They grew up together basically, watching each other grow into well refined, okay mildly refined young adults, and later into grown ass men. Their group of friends later expanded, gaining more love and friendship along the way. There were 12 of them; and that’s all they needed. But unfortunately all good things must come to an end. Eventually, friends started leaving the neighborhood, going off to abroad or out of state schools, others finding differents passions and pursuing their own path. The only ones left where Sehun, Jongdae, Minseok and Chanyeol. These four had been the last to leave, feeling like their lives were incomplete, not really knowing what to do with themselves. Chanyeol eventually went off to find his passion in helping people (specifically smol people), becoming a social worker, eventually a father to two beautiful children, and a loving husband. Sehun had found a job at a local shop, inheriting the position as shopkeeper from his family business. He had decided to stay in the neighborhood, helping out his family. Jongdae and Minseok however, stayed together though the local community college, sticking together like superglue. They each had really no direction, and after two years, Jongdae realised he didn’t see the point anymore. He dropped out of school and decided to work instead. Minseok stayed in school, but the three of them continued to hang out together. Until ultimately, they each took their own path.

 

Once at the Bar, Jongdae and Sehun caught up on each other’s lives, Sehun talking about how his family business has been going good, and how he’s been helping his family even though he’s the youngest. Jongdae told him about his struggles with getting used to a new environment where he currently lived, and how hard it was for him to get back on his feet. They drank all night, talking about their future plans, and what they should do while Jongdae is in town. They ended up going back to their own place, making it safely by taxi. Jongdae entered his cousin’s home, making sure to lock the doors behind him. He walked into his assigned room and fell on the bed, almost immediately losing consciousness.

 

\--

Jongdae opened the door and smiled as he heard laughter coming from the room. He had just returned from his class, walking into his house. Minseok had wanted to come over for a while, and because Jongdae’s class got out later, Minseok just let himself in.

“Mini what are you doing in there?” Jongdae called out.

Minseok came out of the room, running into his arms.

“Welcome home!” he said with the widest smile possible.

Minseok was the cutest thing ever, and he made Jongdae’s heart melt everytime.

“I was watching this really funny show. Come watch it with me!” Minseok said tugging on Jongdae’s shirt.

Jongdae smiled softly.

“Alright hold on i have to put my things away.”

Jongdae set his things down on the couch, and walked into the room with Minseok.

“Scoot over.” Jongdae said, motioning for Minseok to move over on the bed so he could fit next to him. Minseok moved over and Jongdae scooted closer to him, laying on their backs, Minseok pressing play on the TV in front of the bed. Minseok scooted closer to Jongdae, resting his head on his shoulder. Jongdae thought nothing of it, actually liking the warmth it provided him. They both lay there in the room, laughing and enjoying each other’s company and the show.

\--

- **I focus on the pain-**

 

Jongdae opened his eyes and groaned as he sat up. He had a slight headache from last night. He got up from his bed, moving over to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the day. He had planned to just take it easy at home, but decided it was probably a good idea to walk to the store to help his cousin with food while he stayed there. So after he was ready, he put on his shoes, and walked out the door. He walked the streets of his childhood, remembering the good old times all 12 of them had together. The familiar streets forcing him to reminisce, and he smiled at the thought of them all playing hide and go seek or tag or other made up games that were passed purely on their creativity and imagination. It had been a good childhood. So many good people surrounded him, and that helped him grow. It helped him to not be lonely, and it gave him a sense of hope when he needed it most. Now, none of them really kept in touch with him. He didn’t really know what any of them were doing. They had all been inseparable, but now they all had their own lives; they had no time to be contacting each other. He wondered why things had to turn out the way they did. Why couldn’t he go back to that time where they had no worries in life, where the climax of their problems was not having enough toys for all of them to play, when going to the park and getting hurt was a fear, and stealing their moms money for some ice cream was the ultimate crime? He wondered why there was such a dramatic ending to their “close” friendship. That’s why he had a hard time trusting others now. Apparently people always leave, no matter how close they may seem to be.

\--

 

Jongdae was sitting on the couch; going over an essay he had to turn in by tomorrow. He had been putting it off for the past week and he hated himself for procrastinating. Minseok walked in the door then, Jongdae realizing he forgot to lock the front door.

“Hey Mini.” He said from his seat.

“Hi Orange.” He responded.

“I told you to let that go. Cmon.” Jongdae whined.

“Nooo! It’s too funny!” Minseok laughed.

Jongdae just sighed and turned his head, returning to focus on the paper he had to write. Minseok came around the couch, and wrapped his arms around Jongdae’s chest and shoulders, leaning down and placing his face next to Jongdae’s ear.

“Mini let go, i’m busy.”

Minseok only shook his head, cuddling closer to Jongdae. He leaned in and whispered,”you should have done it sooner, cutie.”

Jongdae didn't miss the way Minseok’s voice whispering low in his ear made him tingle.

“Let go! I have to do this by tomorrow!” He said trying to squirm out of the hold.

“Are you hungry” minseok said,”I can make you some food.”

“Goddamnit mini let GO!”

Minseok giggled as he released Jongdae, skipping over to the kitchen. Jongdae ran a hand through his hair in annoyance. Minseok liked to play like that, always seeming like he had an ulterior motive. After about half an hour, Minseok called out from the kitchen,”Jongdae come eat! I made your favorite!”

He sighed but couldn't resist the alluring smell emitting from the other room.

“Coming!”

 

\--

 

- **The old familiar sting-**

 

Jongdae walked into the store, searching for a cart to put his groceries in. He walked down the long aisles, reaching the candy section, and stopping when his eyes grazed over a particular chocolate bar.

 

_“Jongdae, valentine's day is coming up!” Minseok said way too excited._

_Jongdae looked at him in disbelief._

_“Yea so what? All the stupid couples in school are going to be sucking face.” He grumbled._

_“Who are you gonna give chocolates too?” He asked._

_“Why would I want to waste my money buying candy for some smutty ass women?” Jongdae said._

_Minseok shrugged._

_“You can just buy them for me instead.”_

_Jongdae looked over at him and laughed._

_“What, are we gonna go on a date too? Hold hands and take selfies together? No thanks.”_

_Minseok pouted and hit him in the arm._

_“No! I was just saying it might be nice to give each other chocolates as a nice gesture.”_

_Jongdae scoffed. Minseok looked down at his feet._

_“Alright whatever why not? What's your favorite kind?”_

_Minseok smiled and his face lit up. “Kit Kat!”_

_Jongdae didn't really like chocolate, but he could appreciate the occasional bar or cake. He looked into Minseok’s gleaming eyes and smiled. “You’re such a nerd.”_

 

After that valentine's day, Jongdae made it customary to buy Kitkat for Minseok every now and then, just because he liked to see the smile that would never fail to bring warmth, never lose its light. Jongdae continued to walk down the aisle, trying not to resurface any more memories. After he gathered his groceries and paid for them, he headed home. As he walked down the streets in the afternoon, he came across a certain spot in between buildings. He stopped on the street and was hesitant at first, but decided to walk towards the familiar opening. It was like an alleyway between two now abandoned buildings, the businesses having been run out. On the other side of the alley, there was a large hill and at the bottom, a small river. It was more like an aqueduct but the grass reached all the way down to where the water ran. He walked close to the edge, sitting on the small grassy area, looking up at the sunset that was beginning to fall in the west.

 

_“Look at how beautiful it is from here.” Minseok said with a smile, sitting down on the grassy area. Jongdae followed him through the alleyway, coming out and seeing the nice view from where he stood._

_“How did you find out about this place?” he asked._

_“Well, I was walking on that street to your house one day and i saw a bunny in the alleyway. Of course I followed it, and well I came across here.” Minseok said._

_Jongdae looked around. “No one had ever told you to leave?”_

_“Well, no, I think this building doesn't run at this time. It’s always quiet here.”_

_“How did I never see this?”_

_“I don’t know, you are pretty oblivious Jongdae.”_

_“Hey shut your mouth ok?”_

_Minseok looked out over the river, picking at the petals of a nearby dandelion._

_“Hey Jongdae?”_

_He turned to look at Minseok. “Yea?”_

_“What do you think will happen to us?”_

_Jongdae looked back at the river. “I don’t know. Maybe we’ll become rich and famous one day.”_

_Minseok let out a chuckle. “Please. With your singing?”_

_Jongdae looked astonished and hurt. “What do you mean? Of course with my singing! I’ll take lessons to get better! You haven't actually heard me sing for real!”_

_Minseok laughed and hit him lightly on the arm._

_“Shut up. I’m just kidding. You sing good. Also come to think of it, you haven't ever shown me or any of us your singing skills ‘for real’. I know baekhyun has a great voice. No wonder he went for a degree as a musical major.”_

_“Now that you bring it up, you’re right.”_

_“Sing for me.”_

_“No.”_

_“Cmon Jongdae please? No one’s around.”_

_“Maybe later.”_

_Minseok pouted and hugged his knees, both sitting in silence watching the sky._

 

Jongdae laid back on the grass, not caring that he would probably be itchy later. He looked up at the sky, and outstretched his hand. Then he suddenly started singing a small tune that he remembered from far back in his memory. It was a melancholy song, one that sang to his heart, one that spoke to his soul. He hadn't heard it in a while, but for some reason knew all of the lyrics.

 

 _“_ _I hurt myself today_

_To see if I still feel_

_I focus on the pain_

_The only thing that's real…”_

 

Jongdae traced the clouds floating in the pinkish-orange sky with his finger.

 

_“I wear this crown of thorns_

_Upon my liar's chair_

_Full of broken thoughts_

_I cannot repair_

_Beneath the stains of time_

_The feelings disappear_

_You are someone else_

_I am still right here_ _…”_

 

A breeze blew over Jongdae, and he realised it was probably time to go home. He grabbed his groceries and dusted himself off. Why was he suddenly thinking of Minseok now? No one had brought him up. Not even Sehun mentioned him when they went drinking last week. Maybe it was the town.

 

\--

 

“Minseok what are you doing?” Jongdae said.

Jongdae had found himself suddenly in a peculiar position. He was on the couch, and Minseok was straddling him, hovering over his body. They had just been together all day. They had come back to eat and were messing around. Minseok was probably playing like he usually did, saying inappropriate things for laughs. Jongdae had gotten used to it a while ago, and decided to just roll with it.

 

“You look really hot in that shirt.” Minseok breathed.

Jongdae looked down. He was wearing a slim tank top, revealing most of his arms and clavicles. He had changed because it was a hot summer; the day had consisted of the sun trying to fry everything.

“Thanks. You like what you see?” Jongdae smirked up at him.

Something in Minseok’s eye twinkled.

“You really shouldn't be walking around like that. It’s dangerous for me.”

Jeongdae brought his hand up to Minseok’s thigh.

“What are you gonna do, huh?”

Minseok looked down at the hand slowly climbing up his knee.

“I might ravish you.”

 

Now listen. Jongdae wasn't gay. He had fallen for a lot of girls and appreciated their efforts, but he never seemed to want a relationship with any of them. He found it a waste of time and decided he would just fuck around. He didn’t think Minseok was gay either, because he too, has been with women. He just thought Minseok liked to mess around since they were so close, and sometimes he went too far. This was probably one of those times.

 

“Is that a promise?” Jongdae smirked seductively.

Minseok leaned closer to his face, their lips hovering over each other. “Don’t test me.”

He dismounted Jongdae and walked over to the kitchen to get a drink. See? He wasn't serious. Jongdae knew Minseok was just messing around, but sometimes he wondered if he would one day actually go through with it. And in the back of his mind, he wondered if he would let it happen.

They went out drinking later, deciding the test that they took today in school was enough an excuse for celebration. They didn't know whether they passed or failed, but they were free from studying nonetheless. They laughed together, making jokes and messing around. After getting snacks, they went home. They had not gotten drunk, but they were a tiny bit tipsy. And maybe it was the heat of the alcohol in his system, but Jongdae thought Minseok looked pretty alluring today. He had taken off his shirt, changing into his pjs. The toned muscle of his abdomen and arms glowing under the bedroom light.

“Are you gonna stay here? Or go home?” Minseok said.

“I’m too lazy to go home right now. Let me stay over?” Jongdae pleaded.

“Alright here, take these.” Minseok said as he handed Jongdae a pair of pjs.

 

Jongdae suddenly had an idea just to tease.

“Can you help me change into these?” he smirked.

Minseok looked up at him as if to say,’are you serious?’ with a raised brow. Minseok walked over to him and placed himself directly in front of Jongdae, hands finding their way to his hips; a smirk spreading across his lips. He looked Jongdae directly in the eyes, not breaking the gaze as he lifted his shirt, pulling it up and over Jongdae’s arms. Maybe it was the alcohol, but Jongdae thought Minseok’s eyes were unbelievably the most beautiful things he’s ever seen. Minseok leaned in and tugged on the necklace that sat around Jongdae’s neck, forcing their faces close enough to feel each other's breath.

“Don’t start something you’re not willing to finish.”

Jongdae just swallowed hard. Maybe it was the alcohol, but Minseok being this way was almost making him knowledge the warmth accumulating in the pit of his stomach. Jongdae felt sweat forming at his temple, and he watched as Minseok started to turn away from him. Maybe that was an invitation. Maybe Minseok wasn't just playing around anymore. Maybe it was the alcohol, but he wanted to test the waters.

“I never do anything half assed.”

Minseok took that as initiative and leaned in, placing their lips together, closing the small space between them. It was just a long peck so he looked up expecting to see Jongdae’s surprised expression. He was surprised to see Jongdae looking down at him, eyes half-lidded, cheeks turning a pink shade, lips glistening.

“Jongdae, don’t worry ok. It was just a joke.”

Minseok started to pull away when Jongdae grabbed at his hips, keeping him close, pulling him closer, his tongue running over his lips quickly.

“I’ll finish what I started.”

Minseok had wide eyes as he looked up at him. “Jongdae you’re drunk. You’re gonna regret this later. Let it go.”

Jongdae smirked. “I’m not drunk. I didn’t drink that much tonight. I’m well aware of what’s happening.”

Maybe Minseok was right. Maybe it was the alcohol, but he suddenly had an overwhelming feeling of want. he had an itch in his stomach somehwere. it didn't seem to want to leave anytime soon. It was an unbelievable annoying itch; one that could only be soothed by Minseok.

“But-” Minseok started, but was cut off by Jongdae’s raspy voice.

“Shut up.”

He leaned in and kissed Minseok full on the lips, their mouths moving in synch. Hands making their way around necks and waists. Jongdae never let go of Minseok’s lips as he pushed him back onto the bed.

 

\--

 

**-I remember everything-**

 

Today was hotter than usual. Jongdae was used to it being cold… Seeing as it was fall. He was lying in bed just enjoying the sunshine even though it was heating him up slowly. All he had to do was open the window and it was the perfect combination of hot and cold.  Yesterday was fun for him. He enjoyed the day with his cousin, playing games and just talking about their lives. They talked about everything and it was nice to confide in someone you trust. She was living alone now, because her parents were off on A business trip. They ate food and listened to music together, and they even did karaoke. He had missed this kind of fun. With everything that had happened in his life, it was nice to not care about life's struggles for a day. Jongdae walked into the kitchen, greeting his cousin who was cooking breakfast in the kitchen.

“Hey I'm going to be home late today.” His cousin said.

“Alright. I'll be fine.” Jongdae said.

“I left food ready for you so help yourself.” she said.

“Oh, you didn’t have to do that, thanks though.” he said.

“You’re gonna be fine on your own?”

“Yea. I’ll find something to do.”

“Why don’t you head down to the bookstore nearby? You can maybe find something to read.”

Jongdae looked at her. That actually wasn't a bad idea. He could go calmly read about anything he wanted to and relax. After they had eaten breakfast together, Jongdae’s cousin headed to work, and we walked over to the bookstore. He walked in the quiet still building, looking around trying not to disturb those who were immersed in their books. He walked by a section of poetry, his favorite section. He picked up a small book with a teal cover, opening to a random page and reading from it:

The life that I have

Is all that I have

And the life that I have

Is yours

 

The love that I have

Of the life that I have

Is yours and yours and yours.

 

A sleep I shall have

A rest I shall have

Yet death will be but a pause

For the peace of my years

In the long green grass

Will be yours and yours and yours.

 

Jongdae starred at the words on the page, long enough for the letters to blur. Why was this so familiar? What was this sudden feeling in his gut? What is it? He searched the archives of his mind for something, anything that could shake his memory.

 

_“Mini where are you taking me?” Jongdae complained._

_“Just follow me and be quiet! This is a library. Inside voice.” Minseok smiled._

_“What are you doing?” Jongdae whispered._

_They turned the corner and went to a certain area of the library, the section of poetry. Minseok had pulled out a book that contained a bookmark, opened it to a page and cleared his throat._

 

_“The life that I have_

_Is all that I have_

_And the life that I have is yours…”_

 

_“Are you reading poetry to me?” Jongdae whispered in disbelief._

_“Shut up! Listen.” Minseok said straightening himself out again and taking a breath._

 

_“The love that I have_

_Of the life that I have_

_Is yours and yours and yours…”_

 

_“Oh my god I can’t believe this. Give me that.” Jongdae said, snatching the book closed._

_Minseok just stared at him. “What’s your deal?”_

_“Nothing, I just think this is dumb. Why did you even bring me here?” Jongdae said,"i have better things to be doing right now."_

_“I thought you liked poetry.” Minseok said dejected and annoyed, arms slumping at his sides, eyes darkening._

_“Not right now. Did i ask you for a reading? i have things to do. What is the point of all this?” Jongdae said as he placed the book back on the shelf._

_“Nothing.” Minseok said as he left the aisle without another word._

 

Jongdae remembers. He remembers Minseok’s little efforts in trying to make him happy. Why did he continue to try to make him happy? Jongdae was not interested in such an emotion. He had been a sour child, what with his family situation going to shit. Life was hitting him hard at that time, and he knew no better than to exert his frustrations out on those around him. He failed to see Minseok's intentions and efforts, brushing them completely off, not showing any remorse or gratitude.

He read the poem again and realized why Minseok had picked that specific one. As if it had started a domino effect, memories of Minseok started flowing into his head, everything and anything that ever happened between them. Every time Minseok tried to do something nice, every time Minseok tried to get closer to him on an emotional level. Jongdae had just realised it, now, years after it was relevant. Minseok probably took hours to find this one poem, trying to find something that would properly express his feelings. And Jongdae had shut it down like it was nothing. He must have been so hurt. All Minseok wanted was for some sort of acceptance of acknowledgment of his love, but Jongdae never paid any mind. He now realized how much of an emotional toll that must have taken on him, but how could he know? how could he possibly have known about Minseok's feelings? He was struggling with life and didn't have time to be in love. But Minseok didn’t say anything on the matter, or any other matters.

He never said anything.

 

\--

 

Minseok was in the TV room, laying down watching his favorite show. Jongdae had walked in and greeted him from the door. Minseok got up and hugged him with a huge smile, reveling in the warmth that was Jongdae, loving his scent.

“Let me go.” Jongdae said.

“Did you have a bad day today?” Minseok said.

“It’s none of your business.” he said as he shoved Minseok off and walked away into the other room.

Minseok frowned and went to sit back on the couch, sighing into the cushion. He wanted to reach out to Jongdae so bad, but there was never an opportunity. Minseok felt like anything he did, he couldn’t get to Jongdae. There were several brick walls around him and Minsoek couldn't find a wrecking ball strong enough to tumble them all down.

Just then, Minseok had an idea. He would try his best to make Jongdae feel better. They had been together for a while now, spending most of their time with each other, so he felt entitled to making Jongdae feel better. He went into the room and dragged Jongdae into his car, driving to their special spot, behind the buildings.

“Why are we here, Minseok?”

“I know you’ve had a bad day and so i’ve decided to try and make you smile!” Minseok said with a huge grin.

“Stop being annoying. Let’s go back.”

“Come here!”

Jongdae groaned and walked passed the buildings into the grassy area in front of the small river. Minseok was standing there with his arms outstretched, standing in front of a small teddy bear, and some food. Minseok had set up a picnic.

“What is all this?” Jongdae said.

“It’s for us! This way we can eat and talk about your day and eat food!” Minseok said excitedly.

Jongdae watched him as he sat down on the blanket, and motioned him to come over.

“You think I want to sit here with YOU and talk about my day?” Jongdae said, brows furrowing, his tone dangerously treading on anger.

Minseok looked up at him, smile immediately fading. “Well, we don’t have to talk about your day, but we can forget about it by having fun," hands scrambling for the homemade sandwiches.

“You think throwing me some pity party is gonna lift my spirits? I just need to be left alone. Why do you even bother?” Jongdae said.

“But I thought we could-”

“Stop doing shit like this. It’s annoying and a waste of my time. I’m going back. Get in the car unless you want to walk back.” Jongdae said turning around.

Minseok didn’t say anything, just shook his head.

“Um, actually I have something to do-”

“Alright then. Don’t say I never offered to do anything nice for you.” he scoffed.

 

As soon as Jongdae was gone, Minseok looked at the food in front of him. He grabbed the teddy bear and hugged it tight to his body, suddenly feeling an overwhelming sense of emotion. The tears came hard, and he couldn't seem to stop them from flowing. Jongdae didn’t mean it. He was mad and Minseok meddled with his mood. Jongdae was right. He should just stay out of it. Maybe if he went back to apologize, Jongdae wouldn’t be mad at him. Minseok dried his tears and stood up. As the sunset started setting, he picked up the things and threw them all away in a nearby trashcan. He walked back to his home heart in his hands, ignoring the intense pang it gave off, ignored the tightness in his throat and tried to go to his room before his family noticed he had arrived.

“Minseok I told you to come home early today! Why are you such a horrible child? I get back from work, and you’re out messing around? You don’t even help me at home!” his mother yelled.

Minseok only looked down at his feet, not saying anything.

“This is why your father left us. You better change this attitude of yours. Clean up your act. I don’t need a useless son around here. ” she said as she walked away.

 

Minseok walked up to his room and closed the door. She’s right. He was out all day sticking his nose in places where he shouldn't. He was a useless son. probably an even worse friend. He couldn't help anyone. He couldn't make anyone's day. Maybe if he apologised nicely, his mom would not be angry with him. And then maybe his dad wouldn't be so disappointed in him. Maybe they would talk again someday.

 

\--

 

- **What have I become?-**

 

Jongdae walked out of the library, deciding it was time to see Minseok. It had been so many years since they last saw each other. He wanted to see how Minseok was doing. Then maybe he could apologise for being such a dick to him all the time. Was Minseok still even in the town? Jongdae just hoped Minseok was reachable. Even if he was out of the state somewhere, maybe he could still contact him. Where would he even go looking for Minseok? There was no other place but his childhood home. Jongdae walked across the streets turning past a familiar fence with a house behind it. He remembered this place. They would all hang out in the lawn and play pretend firefighters.

Jongdae walked up to the porch, fixing his shirt, not knowing what he was going to say once Minseok opened the door. A million things pondered his mind. Why did he even show up here? What was he trying to prove? No. He had to do this. He had to see Minseok again, even if Minseok hated him to his core and told him he never wanted to see him again. If that were the case, Jongdae would just accept it, apologise, and leave forever. But he needed to do this so that both their souls could be placed to rest. There was an aching feeling in his heart. He had gotten used to it over the years after he left but he now realised Minseok was the cause to that. Now that he was here, standing in front of his doorstep, his heart raced and all the nerves in his body tingled. He reached out with a shaky hand and rang the doorbell.

A child opened the door, looking up at him then calling out to someone in the background.

“Yes? Can I help you?” a tall man said.

Jongdae bowed his head. “Ah yes, sorry to disturb, but does anyone by the name of Minseok live here, by any chance?” he asked.

The man looked at him confused. “Ah no, sorry. No one by that name lives here. Are you looking for him?”

Jongdae’s expression immediately fell. _Of course he didn’t live here anymore._

“Yes, actually. It has been a while and this used to be where he lived.”

“Oh really? I’m so sorry. We’ve been living here for a few years now.” the man said.

“Of course. Sorry to bother your home. Please forgive me.”

The man nodded and bowed, and so did Jongdae.

Why would Minseok still be living there? He felt so dumb. Minseok had dreams and aspirations, even though he didn’t really know what to do with them. Jongdae remembered seeing potential in him. Maybe this trip just proved his uselessness. He never seemed to do things right, and now that he wanted to comfort a long time friend and maybe have a chance at re-kindling their friendship, he fucks up. Maybe he was just doing it out of selfish reasons, wanting to lay to rest the uneasiness his heart has been harboring for the longest time. Where could he have gone? Jongdae walked into Sehun’s family business, looking for the tall waiter. Maybe he knew where Minseok could have gone off to.

“Hey Jongdae! Nice seeing you again! Come to visit me at work now, are you?” Sehun smiled.

Jongdae smiled gently.

“Hey Sehun you got a minute?”

Sehun nodded his head.

They sat at a nearby booth, Jongdae meddling with his thumbs.

“What’s up, man?” Sehun asked.

“Dude ok, so like, i’m back home right, we grew up here, and of course i’m gonna be hit with all of our friend’s memories. I’ve been trying to contact Minseok. I’m trying to find him. Do you happen to know where he is?”

Sehun stared at Jongdae for a long time.

“Minseok? Why all of a sudden?”

Sehun looked like he knew something, or was hiding something, and Jongdae didn’t like the unsettling feeling it gave him.

“Do you know something about him or not? Why are you looking at me with those judging eyes?”

Sehun shook his head, eyes darkening into something he couldn't read, his posture completely shifting.

“You were a complete asshole to him, you know.”

Jongdae stayed silent, all thoughts and motor functions coming to a halt. The dramatic change in Sehun's tone came suddenly, and he wasn't prepared for the bitter taste it left in his throat. But Sehun was right. He knew. He most definitely knew. And now he regretted everything.

“I-I’m trying to find him because of that. I know what I did was horrible, and I can’t make up for it, but I want to see him at least, to try and apologise... or something, I don’t know! I just want to see him!”

Sehun looked at the table, eyes cold and hard, trying to search for any reason not to glare directly into Jongdae's soul.

“I know what happened between you two, you know. I didn’t mention it the other night because we were just catching up and it would have brought the mood down. But I knew what was going on.”

Jongdae looked up at him, heart wavering in its chest cavity, blood running cold.

“I didn’t judge. We were all doing our own things, and whatnot, but he was crazy for you. He was happiest with you. I could never understand.” Sehun said, his hard eyes softening unbelievably at that last word. Even Sehun knew. He knew all the pain Minseok was probably going through. Why couldn't he tell sooner?

Jongdae swallowed hard against the thickness in his throat. “I know….why are you telling me this?”

Sehun ran a hand through his hair in frustration, suddenly letting out a long sigh. “Because you didn’t deserve him, man! I could never and will never understand why Mini would keep running after you, when all you ever did was kick him while he was down!” Sehun said sternly, his expression morphing into something that resembled rage and sadness. "You must have really gotten a kick out of that, huh? watching him break."

Jongdae almost forgot what words were. The ones that Sehun was spitting at him felt like daggers and he had to hold back the tears that were wanting to form at his eyes. “He never said anything!” he said.

“He didn’t have to say anything! It was written all over his face! You could feel the struggles oozing from his body! I could fucking cut through it with a knife! How could you never notice? How could you not pay attention? Did you know he was going through shit times at home too? Did you even care?” Sehun said way too loud, the rest of the people in the shop turning to look at them.

Sehun was a wolf at this moment, baring his teeth at Jongdae, malice seeping through his jaws. He quivered under the intense glare, swallowing hard before responding in a broken whisper.

“I- I don’t know, at the time I was just-” Jongdae started, barely audible.

“Look. You left. You were gone. I’m glad to see you back, but as a friend, you need to know that what you did was horrible. It's something you can never repair, and i almost hated you for it. Almost. I couldn't bring myself to hate you, Jongdae. I really, _really_ wanted to.”

Jongdae stood up from the table, fists clenching at his sides.

“I know. I’m sorry. there are not enough apologies to fix any of this, I know. I hate myself for not noticing it until now, but I just want to go see him, maybe try really hard to show him how really sorry I am.” The tears finally showing themselves.

“Look man," Sehun said as he leaned back on the chair, diffusing and softening his gaze," I forgive you ok. I hold you as a dear friend to me, and I know you weren't in your right mind. But what you did can't be taken back. Maybe its best if you leave him alone. Maybe he’s better off without you saying anything.” Sehun said.

“Can I just-” a tear trickled down his face, hi voice failing him, the break indicating complete remorse,”see him? I want to see his smile again, or his face, anything.”

Sehun’s heart immediately sunk. He didn't need another one of his closest friends falling apart in front of him. he didn't want anything like that to happen again, and even though he knew what Jongdae was going to face, he couldn't help but give his friend some closure.

“Here man. Im telling you, you should just let it go. But I know you're a stubborn bastard. Just keep this in mind: You were _everything_ to him. He never hated you even after everything you did. He won’t ever hate you. _Ever_.” Sehun took out a pen and a piece of paper. He wrote something down and passed it to Jongdae.

“Thanks.” Jongdae said, wiping at his face.

“Good luck.”

 

\--

 

Minseok had just gotten out of the shower, wrapped in a towel. Jongdae followed after him, leaving wet footprints all the way to his room.

“You’re gonna slip on this later.” Minseok said.

“It will dry.”

“I’m gonna go make food alright?”

“Whatever.”

Minseok walked into the kitchen, pulling out things to make food. Jongdae came out after, sitting on the couch and turning on the tv, flipping through channels. Minseok brought food to the table, and Jongdae ate some. Minseok settled himself next to Jongdae, snuggling into his side. After a while, Minseok looked up at him. They had been hanging out together like this for a long time now, but none of them had ever said anything about making it official. Maybe they were just too shy or scared to say anything.

“Jongdae…” minseok started.

“What’s up?”

“So, we’ve been...like this for a while. Um.”

“Like what?”

Mines swallowed,“Well, um you know, I know we haven’t said it officially, but I think we should start... dating.”

Jongdae looked over at him.

“I’m not gay,” he deadpanned.

Minseok looked up at him, his heart suddenly twitching.

“I didn’t say you were, but-”

“Sorry no thanks. I’m not interested in dating.” Jongdae said, getting up from the couch.

Minseok looked after him, his form completely fallen. He gave up. He was tired of this. Jongdae would never open his heart to him no matter how hard he tried.

“Jongdae...do I mean anything to you?” he said more angry than anything else.

Jongdae looked at him in silence. “I mean, yea. You’re special.”

“Are you sure? Because I feel like I don’t mean shit to you.” Minseok said, standing from the couch, exhausted and done.

Jongdae looked at him with a raised brow.

“What are you talking about? Of course you mean something to me. Do you think I would just let anyone stay in my house?”

Minseok look up at him and smiled a bit, straightening out. Does that mean-?

Jongdae walked into the kitchen and grabbed something to drink.

“Do you like me, Jongdae?” Minseok said softly from the doorframe.

“Yea, you’re an okay guy. We’re friends member? We grew up together. Of course I like you. Plus you’re a good rider.”

Minseok balled his fists, brows furrowing, teeth clenching.

“Is that all I am to you? A good fuck?”

Jongdae lowered his drink to the counter.

“What do you mean? That’s a compliment. I’m not insulting you.”

Minseok knocked the cup over, having dealt with enough of this shit.

“I’m being serious! We’ve been together all this time, and that’s all you think of me?!”

Jongdae looked genuinely confused. “Mini why are you getting angry? Do you think….” he paused,”Do you think we are dating?”

Minseok stepped back, not paying attention to the pain of his nails digging into the skin of his palm from how hard he was squeezing his fists.

“You tell me that I mean something to you, but your actions prove otherwise!”

“Do you think all this time I cared for you THAT way?" jongdae scoffed," Oh no, sorry dude. I let you stay cause I don’t mind your presence.” he said.

Minseok’s eyes teared up at that, his heart feeling way to heavy as he turned around to grab his things on the couch. He payed no mind to the set of eyes on his back as he put on his shoes and headed out the door.

“Where are you going?” Jongdae called after him.

“Leave me alone!”

Minseok slammed the door behind him.

 

\--

 

**-Everyone I know goes away-**

 

Jongdae looked at the piece of paper that Sehun had given him, and looked at the small house in front of him. He took a deep breath and walked up to the porch once again, heart in his hand. He rang the doorbell and this time, a small woman opened the door.

“Uhm, hello. My name is-”

“Jongdae.” the woman interrupted.

Jongdae looked at her, confused. How did she know his name?

“Uhm yea. How-”

“I’m Minseok’s sister.”

Jongdae looked at her surprised. He had forgotten about her. She had grown up so much.

“Uhm-”

“Come in, come in.” she gestured.

Jongdae followed her to the living room where they sat on the couch.

“So what’s up? It’s been a long time since I’ve seen you.” she said as she smoothed out the wrinkles on her skirt.

“Yea. It has. I came back into town to visit my cousin- that’s where i’m staying right now- and I was just remembering old times. So… I wanted to see Minseok again. Is he here? I’ve been looking for him.”

She looked at him with a straight face, body suddenly tensing up and swallowed hard before answering.

“You...you what?”

“I know I might be intruding. You’re his sister. I’m sure you know everything that happened in the past, so I know what you might be thinking, but I’ve come here with my heart in my hands, coming to beg for some sort of forgiveness.”

She looked at her hands for a long time, the house silent enough to hear their breathing. “Okay,” she finally said,”I’ll take you to him.”

Jongdae followed her out of the door, through the streets, not saying or questioning anything until they passed a large green field, surrounded by trees. Jongdae’s heart sank and he tensed up when he realised where they were going. His legs almost stopped moving, forgetting how to walk. She led him through the field until they came up on a tombstone which was labeled:

“Here lies

Kim Minseok

May you be at peace”.

The engraved letters staring straight at him, Jongdae realizing the weight of the situation.

“No. this- this can’t be…” his voice cracked.

“Minseok died, Jongdae; 3 years ago.”

Jongdae’s entire being shook with emotion and he fell to his hands and knees, not being able to hold himself up, suddenly hyperaware of gravity. He looked hard at the tombstone, burning a hole through it with his eyes.

“No! No this Isn’t real! This can’t be real!” he yelled as hot, angry tears flowed down his face.

He suddenly couldn’t breathe. Memories of Minseok started flowing through his head once again, and he cried harder. Minseok was dead. He really was dead. How could he be dead? How could that shining person, full of hope, full of passion, full of love just leave the earth? How could the sun shine so brightly in the sky when clearly tragedy has been roaming these grounds? How could the town be so lively with the absence of the only person that could change the world for the better?

He punched the ground hard as more tears flowed from his eyes. Why did this happen? Why did it have to turn out this way?

“WhY?! WHYY?! WHy MINSEOK!?”

The sister stood there, with a hand over her mouth, masking the silent sobs coming from her mouth, as she watched Jongdae's world completely fall apart.

Jongdae realised it then. Minseok was gone. He would never be able to see him again. He would never be able to say anything else to him, never able to see him smile, hear him talk, watch those glowing eyes. He had so much to say. He had wanted to see him so badly. He didn’t realize how important Minseok really was to him until this very moment. It was not Minseok who had left. In reality, Jongdae was the one who had left. Jongdae was the one to leave unspoken, leave Minseok tattered and broken. He felt like his world was crumbling. He held his heart as he held himself up with one hand, fearing he would completely lose it if he didn’t stay grounded.

What was he supposed to do? Why didn’t anyone tell him? There were no words to describe the physical aching of his heart at this moment. Jongdae had never cried so hard. He struggled to keep breathing, each breath feeling like he was inhaling shards of glass.

“Jongdae…...Jongdae…” the woman beside him said softly with a quivering voice. She fell on her knees next to him, caressing his back with shaking hands, trying to calm down his violent sobbing.

When Jongdae remembered where he was, he mustered up enough strength to ask,”What- what happened?”

She wiped at her eyes and said,”He committed suicide.”

Jongdae couldn't even look at her. He couldnt take his eyes off the engraven name in front of him. He only squeezed his fists together until his knuckles were white.

“Tell me. Tell me how it happened.”

She took a deep breath, trying not to sob as she told Jongdae everything. How Minseok became depressed soon after he left, how life at home made him even worse, how his psychological state worsened day by day, but the only thing constant in his life was his love for Jongdae. Before Jongdae left, Minseok had loved him. He had fallen hard, and he was the rope that would save him from falling into eternal darkness. Jongdae was the only good thing in his life, and Minseok held on so tight, it almost tore his limbs off. She told Jongdae of how Minseok dealt with his departure, how he had cried for days on end, until eventually he stopped everything altogether. She told him of how he lost his hope, his dreams, his aspirations. She told of the longing despair he had felt in the next year, completely losing himself as a person, giving in to the depression and turmoil. She had tried to help him, tried to soothe his worries, tried to grab onto the rope that was severed when Jongdae left, but was too late. She said he would go to a place behind buildings, sitting in front of a river, emotionlessly letting tears roll down his face as he looked into the sunset, staying there for hours. She said he had forgotten how to smile, and she knew helping him was futile. The only thing that could save him had already left, and she knew her brother was gone. She said that during his last days, She had seen Minseok staring out of the window with the saddest smile she had ever seen. It had shook her to her core, and she had cried because she was useless. She had to sit there and watch her brother be ripped agonizingly slow to pieces. She hated that her hugs or love could never reach him, she hated that even when he said he was going for a walk, she couldn't stop him from leaving. She had been yelling and crying, holding onto Minseok begging him not to leave her, to stay and fight. She had begged with the entirety of her soul, but it was all futile. The last thing Minseok had said to her was “I’m sorry, Nani. I’ll be safer where I’m going. I’ll be able to smile again,” and kissed her cheek. He had resisted her last plead, leaving her unable to move, drowning in sobs on the floor of their house.

Jongdae looked at his palms through blurred vision, where they rested on his knees, letting every emotion flow through him. Why didn’t he say anything? Why didn’t Minseok ever say anything? Jongdae wondered how he could have been so fucking blind. How could he have turned away from helping someone who was desperately pleading? Mines was yelling loud enough for the whole town to hear, and Jongdae was oblivious to all of it. Why did he have to add to the negativity Minseok was already dealing with? He wanted to be there, he regretted everything that he ever said, regretted every action, regretted ever rejecting each act of kindness. Minseok had only given him kindness. He only ever gave him smiles, love, hope, positivity; Jongdae had ignored it all.

 

He had ignored everything.

 

\--

 

“Minseok wait! Slow down!” Jongdae called after him.

After Minseok had stormed out of the house, Jongdae had followed him, because he felt bad about leaving things how they were.

Minseok continued to walk, until he reached the bridge over the river that led to his home. Jongdae had caught up, pulling his arm back and looking at him in the eyes.

“Look i’m sorry ok. I don’t know why you’re so pissed off, I didn’t mean to say bad things.”

Minseok looked up at him, softly sobbing, tears streaming down his face.

“I only ever cared for you, you know. I just, I just wanted to be happy.”

Jongdae looked down at him, not saying a word.

“I know now, that you don’t want anything with me. I was in the wrong to think you could ever develop any feelings for me. Why did I stick around?”

Jongdae let go of his arm and said,”Why do you care so much what i do with my life? Why do you take my problems personally? Why don’t you just leave me alone?”

Minseok reached his hands up and pounded at Jongdae's chest."BECAUSE I LOVE YOU!” sobbing strongly,” I LOVE YOU, KIM JONGDAE!” He took a deep breath and said,”You mean everything to me.”

Minseok leaned his head against Jongdae’s chest, and let himself cry.

Jongdae only looked at him, not doing anything, just standing there.

“I’m sorry. I can’t ever love you. I don’t have that luxury.”

Minseok stepped back, looking up at him with immense sadness.

“This is probably not the right time to bring this up, but I couldn’t find another way to say it. I’m leaving this place. And i’m never coming back.” Jongdae said with no remorse.

Minseok stopped breathing and had wide eyes. “What?”

“I’m tired of living in this shit-hole of a town. I’m not doing anything with my life, so I’m leaving. I’ve been putting money together for a while, and I found a place in another state. I can start over.”

Minseok said nothing. He only stared at Jongdae.

“It was nice having a friend like you. I really had good times."He brought his hands up around Minseok's back and neck, bringing him in for a hug,"Thank you for being special to me. Take care, Mini.”

And without another word, Jongdae had turned to leave, heading back to his place.

Minseok stood at the bridge, wind blowing cold air through his body as he watched helplessly at Jongdae’s figure getting smaller in the distance. He couldn’t find the strength to say anything. He couldn't move. He couldn't even feel. He just watched. He hoped Jongdae would turn around to look at him one last time.

 

He never did.

 

\--

 

- **And you could have it all, my empire of dirt-**

 

Jongdae stood at the top of the wooden bridge, looking over the river in silence. The bridge where Minseok once stood was cold and dark, lifeless and empty. Jongdae felt empty at this moment. He had walked there after the visit to the cemetery, and after he had said goodbye to Minseok’s sister.

Now he stood there, watching the sunset until it was dark, listening to the trees blow in the wind. All of his tears had completely dried up, and he felt numb.

There was nothing he could do. Minseok was gone, and all he could hold onto was the memories he had. He chose to keep a mental picture of Minseok’s gleaming smile, the one that always warmed him up.

 

_“I love you Kim Jongdae! You mean everything to me!”_

 

Jongdae looked up at the stars, feeling the breeze through his hair, listening to the sound of water running under him, hoping Minseok was somewhere up there listening.

 

“I love you, too.”

 

_‘If I could start again_

_A million miles away_

_I would keep myself_

_I would find a way’._

  
  
  
  


-END-

**Author's Note:**

> .....i offer you my love. You might need it after this.  <3  
> (BTW, the poem isn't original. I found it online and i decided to add it to this story. because deep emotion)


End file.
